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I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Much Love started this conversation
I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally, physically,medically depleted. Everyday gets worse...more bad news, less working in my favor & if one more person tells me to pray or think postitive and it will change, I will lose it. I went for county help today. Yesterday I asked my ex-husband of 25 years for help. Neither could do anything for me. I am sick. I have a thyroid that refuses to work & refuses the medicine. if I'm not allergic to it, it doesn't do anything for me. My numbers are so bad that I was already in ER once and they said they couldn't believe I am not in acoma.

i should be pleased to be a walking talking miracle. But what I feel most the time is stress over my bills, missing the kids that I was raising because although I was a mom for them dad had issues and took them out on me, and I have no legal rights to see them. I know the Kids are devastated & so am I. I have tried to make things right & swallowed my own pride just so I could see them but he won't budge. On top of all that, I have no work, left with paying for these in my name but had to leave in his house cause I wont fight with a drunk. Now, because of my thyroid which turns out to be a far bigger thing that people think of it, I barely have the energy to get dressed & clean up around the house. So job searching or even carrying on a job position is damn near impossible right now til they get this thing figured out. My muscles are like cemet, my skin is looking like desert sand, and I have anxiety like no one's busniess. I cry 10 times day. I beg God for help.

They retested my thyroid and my TSH is 94.290 from 6 weeks prior at 66.7. Its suppose to be at 3.5. The new meds aren't helping. And I'm another 6 weeks from seeing the Specialist. I am trying to apply for SSI and the doc says most definitely not in any shape to be working but that takes 4 -6 months first round. If I have a lawyer I might only need one round. But in the meanthime I'm freaking because my bills without rent or utilities exceeds my current income of $175 in child support rears, that came long after my son turned 18. But it came & I'm grateful and I wish my son's father good health and continuous work. Waiting on his tax returns to come thru Child Support but that could be several months away still. I know all the stress isn't helping my condition and with each thing I try to help myself nothing is working out..and I just wish sometimes God would take me or turn it around. I have asked , begged implored upon the Lord for help and all I can think is he must be really mad at me for leaving those kids.

If He's, not He has a funny way of showing me I did the right thing. So among everything else I also have issues with God. But if I read the Bible & listen to what my brother says God is not going to save me or stop punishing me for questioning Him and that only makes it worse.

Tired tired, sick & tired.
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The Christmas Cat   in reply to willie tosh
Thank you for the picture it said so much about your needs there.. Maybe someone else will see that and help. I have some family problems right now of my own. But I will try to help more when possible hang in there.
Willie Tosh. I don't know if these were the links already sent

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Contact Us
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For general questions about the Transfer Project, please email transfer@unc.edu
http://www.cpc.unc.edu/pr...
Social protection and social cash transfers are increasingly being seen as a key tool in East and Southern Africa for combating the triple threat of chronic poverty, hunger and HIV and AIDS. Several programmes have developed in recent years across the region, such as the Productive Safety Nets Programme in Ethiopia; social pensions in South Africa, Namibia and Lesotho; cash transfers in Zambia, Malawi, Mozambique and Kenya; and more are planned. These programmes are united by common premises: that income poverty has highly damaging impacts on human development, and that cash empowers people living in poverty to make their own decisions on how to improve their lives.
In response to these needs, Save the Children UK (SCUK) and UNICEF launched The Transfer Project
http://www.unicef.org/
http://www.cpc.unc.edu/

AMPATH largely serves the most vulnerable population: widows and widowers, orphans, the ostracized, and the neglected. It has been established that over 60% of the AMPATH population are poor. Since poverty plays a central role in accelerating vulnerability, AMPATH's patients are mainly poor, especially women and children.

The Social Work program handles some of the most difficult issues for all AMPATH clientshttp://www.ampathkenya.org/our-programs/social-health/social-work/
AMPATH Program Offices
AMPATH
P.O. Box 4606
Eldoret, Kenya
30100
Telephone: +254-532-033-471
Fax: +254-532-060-727
Sylvester Kimaiyo, MMED
AMPATH Program Manager
info@ampathkenya.org
Bornice Biomndo
AMPATH Communications and Public Relations (media contact)
ampath-pr@ampath.or.keAMPATH Consortium Team
IU House
c/o IIGH Kenya
Box 5760
Eldoret, Kenya
30100
Dunia Karama
Kenya Program Administrator
iuadmin@iukenya.org
Adrian Gardner, M.D.
AMPATH Field Director
adriangardner1@gmail.com
Laura Ruhl, M.D.
Medical Team Coordinator
Assistant Professor of Clinical Pediatrics
ljruhl@gmail.com
Geren Stone, M.D.
Medical Team Coordinator
Assistant Professor of Clinical Medicine
gsstone@iupui.edu

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willie tosh   in reply to The Christmas Cat
hi, it has been a while since i communicated. I didnt got help but, am very greatful ,I thank you for all your efforts .Atleast i moved with hopes. THANKS A LOT
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Much Love   in reply to SisterServant
Thank you, Sister Servant. Those were very kind, intelligent, thoughtful & helpful things you said. For some reason I do better when I'm writing to someone or think I am. Many times I write & get no response, so this is much appreciated. Or times it is other people that getting me going.

With so much going on though, the thing that shuts it down is the pressures of money I need now, feeling too tired or anxious to put it that doesnt take too much time & can later remember what, where & which order. And the pressure of family not getting the time it takes to write, the need to write or needing not to be distracted while I am trying to write, especially when they think I need or should be doing other things to get my bills paid.

Writing is not work to them because It isnt pulling in a paycheck, where as I dont see it as work unless I'm trying to find a paycheck in it. I have of late been trying to figure out my nichè.

Well my head is drumming lile a school band standing in place & the pain relievers are not offering relief as yet, so I bid you a wonderful evening. Thank you for the lovely compliments. I havgotten much confirmation regarding my writing skills & what I could do with them. Happily they are happy directions.
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SisterServant   in reply to Much Love
Hello Much Love,

I don't think intellect is sinful. I suspect that God might enjoy hearing our questions and the answers that we surmise (though He may not decide to let us know if our "answers" are correct or not.)

I suspect that He had the same kind of relationship with some of His prophets, so you are in good company. I don't see why you shouldn't question. I don't know to what degree you have channeled your questions into a particular direction (literary).

For those with questioning minds, the more one learns, the more one has questions. There is nothing wrong with that. I think that this is how it should be.

What I hear in your post here is a very normal sense of conflict. This is the stuff of decent literature. Is there any way for you objectify your conflicts and pondering into a character (or characters) other than yourself? This would give you some emotional relief...psychic distance.

Though you are "tired of struggling and suffering from depression, you sound very creative." Why don't you allow "your character (s) to carry the burden of suffering and depression.? You don't need to perfect the form initially, though you may want to think in a certain genre... a poem, a play, a song, a short story, a novel, etc. But you don't have to define the form in the first writing. Just let it be whatever it wants to be.

You say you can't do anything real and substantial with any of the gifts God bestowed upon you. You may feel discouraged now, but that does not mean you cannot do anything real and substantial... You have to give God more time to work with you...

It sounds as you have your own unique relationship with God and this is great! I think you should continue questioning, but with the idea of channeling those questions, conflicts, answers, etc. into some literary art.

I reread one of your posts and you indicated that your brain shuts down with regard to writing...THIS IS PROBABLY BECAUSE ONE PART OF YOUR BRAIN BEGINS TO EDIT BEFORE YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE IDEA. Try a non-stop writing exercise (say for 5 minutes or however long you decide) . Just keep going no matter what. Write whatever comes into your head even if it is "this does not make any sense, etc and this writing is not going anywhere or my brain wants to shut down right now, but I will not let it, because my time is not up."

If you have not done so already, read Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith or Bird by Bird. Both of these should be in the local library.

Blessings,
SisterServant
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woman in a shoe   in reply to Much Love
U welcome
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Much Love   in reply to woman in a shoe
Thank you.
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woman in a shoe   in reply to Much Love
U said u had a bible start with the new testament and u will under stand it u ask about his dislikes he don't like people that kill and so on
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The Christmas Cat   in reply to Much Love
Your Welcome
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Much Love   in reply to The Christmas Cat
Wow, amazing. I clicked on one & the amount of info that came up was overwhelming. You ladies are Remarkable. Thank you!
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Much Love   in reply to woman in a shoe
Thank you. I do have a Bible. I also have a brother that is Theologic. He studied many religions & found the Eastern Orthodox Church to be the truest of all religions. This raises many more questions. My questions are mine... I throw them out there like you would pieces of a puzzle. It is natural for people to walk near a puzzle & catch where pieces go & yet if you stand over it all the pieces look the same. I have a writer's brain.... We dissect everything...

Thats how I know there is a God. That many other things. But the purpose of poverty & continuous struggling baffles me. Many things baffle me... And I think I know the answer to it but its not a One person answer. Its a Whole World Order that must take place. And sadly we are Light Years away from that understanding & possibility. So I am either too early or one of the pioneers for the movement to happen at a later date. Its lonely tho...

People think you're Godless or not of a thankful Nature. Not so. Quite the opposite. My questions about God are mine to get to know Him...This is someone I am committing to spend Eternity with, I should know everything there is too know about living with this Person of all PEOPLE. I want to know His likes & dislikes. I want to know His temperament & His moods.

I wanna know how real He is or are is He someone I made up for my own happiness. We do it daily in choosing of mates & friends. Its fair to assume we might do it with Our GOD too.
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The Christmas Cat
If a link does not work let me know which one thank you..

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woman in a shoe   in reply to Much Love
Do u have a bible some of the things u ask about is in the bible like u was talking about suffer is in the bible. If u got a bible let me know and I will help u understand if u don't see me on still send me message and soon as I can I will get back to u. U take care
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Much Love   in reply to SisterServant
Yes Mam, without fail. I thank him daily and all day long. I thank Him, I pray for others believing it is so & only when I can do it belieivng it to be true. I pray for those with ill will against me and those those with less than I have, bringing me back to being grateful while asking to be in a position to help those whom I can help. I am alive, I am upright, I have a sense of humor & most my senses, a roof over my head, beautiful clothes, food in my belly & cupboards, I have a car for as long as I have it, I have a family that loves me, Kids out there that adore & love me, friends that have stood by me.

please forgive, if I sounded ungrateful or that of someone that doesn't appreciate all that God has done for me. I have been struggling Sister Servant for what might be a milisecond to God but feeling like Eternity to me. I miss my children and I don't know if I'll ever be allowed to see them again. Its not looking so good from where I stand... My thyroid keeps dropping & I'm damn grateful & blessed not to be dead or comatose but the numbers are getting scary and hormones are controlled by the thyroid gland and most days I have to force myself to do anything much the same as a young child might scrape a dead animal off the ground and think its going to puff back up and walk off.

Not only am I thankful to God and remember to thank Him but I also make it a point to thank my family for their help & their love, I thank my friends often for sticking by me during these trying times.

but in all my intellect, sinful as it may be, I question God... I question where He came from? I question if He's real or if we need Him to be real? Is He a punishing God or a loving forgiving , no pennance for going against His will kind of God? Everyone seems to have a different opinion on this. If He is a punishing God how long can I expect to be punished when I've done all that I could to repent & apologize and to make right? Is He ever sorry He went with that whole idea of Free Will? Does He ever question His own choices? If I'm not being punished than why am I struggling all the time when I have so much to offer the world to make it a better place? If He made us for suffering and to renounce this world, why are we even here? Is Heaven & Hell right here on Earth or do we have to look forward to Dante's dream of hell? Am I , are we all to worry over the sins we have committed belieiving that we are never fully forgiven? If Jesus died for are sins why is there a Hell?

There are more questions than answers. And if He could answer just ONE CLEAR AS Day with no mincing of meaning or hidden in parables question for me, it would be Why did you give me all this talent and no equally talented people in what they do to get all this greatness out. Its Your greatness, why hide it in depression and financial hardship?

I can't help that I have these questions. I wish to God I didn't. I am tormented by the things I have heard the things I have read, things I have seen and the things I don't know. The things that might be true, the things that aren't but someone thought they were. As Mark Twain said Its not the things you don't know that hurt you, its the things you do that arent so. What's real & whats not? Does anyone know? How can we? When will we? Is what's real & true for you real and true for others? Why are there so many religions if there's only One God & one way to Heaven? What gets you in and what keeps us out?

And when I thank God who am I really thanking? Is He listening? If I ask in Jesus name for what I need and it is to be given then why am I & so may other people on sites like this stressed out and reaching?

I am thankful there are sites like this. Cause I have expressed myself like this on FB at great cost, so I am very grateful to have found this site. But I for one am tired of struggling, I am tired of suffereing from depression. If there is a God and He made me in His image and likeness, does He too suffer from depression & poverty?

For these things are as much a part of me as my talents & gifts. More so I would say since I can't seem to do anything real & substantial with any of the gifts He bestowed upon me cause I'm either depressed, sick, or my money well is drier than deadwood. i would like to not question God or His existance. I would like to believe without fail & I don't even thinnk that its that I don't believe in God as I don;t understand why I'm going to this this again when He knows I'm no good at sublty.
Talk to Much Love
SisterServant
In my experience, God does not get bent out of shape because we question him. God is love. More love than we can possibly imagine. Plus, he can handle your despair and your issues since you were not there when He created the universe. He is not going to take you away from planet earth until He is ready.

Try thanking Him everyday for as many things as you can think of and see what happens. He has already heard all of your pleas and knows about everything that is wrong

Have you told him all those things for which you feel thankful? Could be that He wants to hear about those too. Make a list for yourself and then begin to thank God. We have to let God know that we trust Him irregardless...

SisterServant
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Poppyday13   in reply to Much Love
I have managed to send some more things to you , but its so slow that I will stop now and look again tomorrow.
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Poppyday13   in reply to Poppyday13
If you click on menu , then select one to one , you will find some messages from me . I need to reboot to send you more. As you are coping with so much , I am sending you everything that I can find as you can make a note of it for a later time.
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Poppyday13   in reply to Much Love
Thank you .
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Much Love   in reply to Poppyday13
yes... about 30 miles from where I'm at
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Poppyday13   in reply to Much Love
Is that near Riverside please ? I have a lot of info for Riverside
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Much Love   in reply to Poppyday13
Thank you, Poppyday13! Off to make supper.
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